This one makes more

I just can not shake something. I hope its seasonal. The last week has found me lower and lower, not mobile. I don't really know what to do. Its the bleak sky, or it is the cool weather, that has a way to get inside your marrow. I know I bring it about, or keep it there longer just by the way my forhead scrunches onto itself. I can feel imaginary wires pulling my brown downword. If only I could just face it the right way, I think I could crawl out of it. I need a sunny day. I night a bright light on my face for two hours straight.
It has to be seasonal right? It has to be the combined months of rain and cold, weird snow, catapulted full speed into a cold that made me sporadically cough on cue with stress.
a fucking brain cloud. THAT is exactly what I have. I need to settle down.
I need a bath maybe, a long hot bath.
Or I need a room of puppy noses.

Once in a while, we would take a short walk up Ovid street, across the sideway of Perkins, into the small neighborhood that borders the golf course and the smaller of the two university lakes. That street would take us directly to these lakes. Where ducks walk in their funny squat ways around looking for pieces of bread, so used to people that you can practically walk up to them (a fact I hopelessly try to violate while running. Swooping my arms out and making weird noises, diving right towards them: the patiently wait to the last second and move two steps out of the way and just stare at me like a weirdo). (I pause here, the doors open, and then they close, a light breeze playing upon the flyers and leaflets we keep stacked inside of the their respective towers)

I feel a lot more comfortable with this "blog" than the last few. It seems more natural and in my voice so to speak.

I want to write a sci fi story, while I am able to type in a voice that I consider my own. It is set in the future (of course), lung cancer has been cured so every one is smoking their asses off. There are still the other complications with smoking, such as heart disease, emphezeema, etc... but canver being a huge one, everyone decided "fuck it" and starts smoking. At least enough people that the tobacoo industry, already a monster, soars to new levels, ultimately controlling the world. Thats all I have. No plot, just that.

I want to create a character very much like me (neurotic, part time runner, non smoker, fearful, etc.) and just go from there. We will see.
Lost it...the voice. its gone.

3.5 etc.

I ran three and a half miles yesterday. Walking some to be sure. I don't really think that matter anymore. I think the real key is just being outside. It was cool and sunny yesterday; perfect weather. I was kicking around the idea of running a half marathon, but I just don't believe I will be able to get off work for it. I plan on still training the same though, and I would like to find a 10k to run in the future. I got a package of Cd's from aaron a few days ago. I must admit here to being partially obsessed with everything I have listened to that Jay reatard recorded, at least that I can get my hands on. I bought a lost sounds cd on itunes of all places. Would have preferred vinyl, but this album was on amazon for 99.00 dollars. Crazy. There is an incredible youtube video of them playing this one song that breaks into a bass jam, then synth is added, and then guitar, its such a huge song. That was the song I was looking for. I find the recording of this particular album I got not the greatest, and the song I was looking for is not on it, but its still interesting to listen to. It brings me back to memphis 6 or seven years ago, or whenever it was. Wish I would have gone out and saw this band more. I saw them once or twice when garland was in the band. Then maybe once more at the hitone at which point they were clearly the best band around. Wish I listened to more punk rock. Wish I went out more: again.
But no, that wasn't me. The afraid of everything bug must have caught up with me at that point. Whatever.
Rheling sent me terror visions which is just insane. Scary almost. Walked around the neighborhood with that on an old pair of big headphones the other day. A) I have not worn them in a while.
Anyhoo, I have decided to at some point get blood visions (if they are findable).

Continuing with 2666 by bolano. He actually mentions Borges in the book which I found funny. The dreams Bolano describes ARE borges in so many ways.
Thirsty.

sidetracked by work.

Blogging is hard

I have tried twice now to successfully put down on, er, paper, how for the last ten days or so I have been coughing and wheezing. And how this has kept me from running, and thus proved to be a shitty cold, if only because of lack or exercise seems to be ruining my brain. Maybe it turns out I lean on running as a form of therapy more than I had even realized. But now that I have gone without it now for a little over ten days (not counting this weekend's pathetic attempt of two miles, which found me walking, slightly out of breath, and coughing). What I can not figure out is how could one week make such a difference? It could only be psychological. Or, perhaps this little chest cold, which even now when I take long deep breaths does not sound too different from the old springs that snapped shut the screened in porch door of my Dad's parents,opening, stretching... Whatever the reason, im down. Its an existential hell bent meandering through my brain that is lasting days and stretching my girlfriend's patience...

Listened to Dan Fante on fresh air with terry gross this morning. How this hack of a writer got on there is beyond me, terry must be reaching some sort of conclusion to her long list of interesting iraq war strategists and left wing conspiracy theorists. Dan is the son of John Fante, a writer who's biggest claim to fame is probably that Charles Bukowski claimed an affinity for him and helped get some of his works repressed and even added his on introduction.

His son however, is a watered down clone of his dad, who Bukowski himself was mirroring in style, thus making him seem like a bukowksi and john fante hack, if this makes any sense.

This blog is a writing exercise for me, and I give todays a d minus.

It has been cold in Baton Rouge as well

I thought when I moved down here, the point was, besides getting a graduate degree, to get a bunch of warmth. A whole tonnage of warmth and relaxation. I can honestly say the first year was just that: Relaxing in the grass, reading over my textbooks...really just reading anything else. Building up my books read list. By the second year I had more official library "work," and now, well, I am officially a Librarian. So, in that affect, it all worked out.

To the extent of the weather, I have been cold most of this year's winter as well as last. This year it snowed a few times down here. I went to memphis, it snowed what seemed like forever there, and then I came home, bringing the chill inside of my bones I think.

I can not honestly believe or tell you that there will be a winter theme to this blog. I have started probably five or ten blogs in the last year all with ridiculously laughable names. I am not going to kid myself that "winterstare" or whatever is a good name at all. I just decided to stop being so neurotic about finding a name worth a shit and just go with it. I want to type, and I want you to read.

My sinus pressure is weakening, and I want to run today. I was training for a half marathon, but due to the fact that I can not take off any work time for a year (ok, I have two vacation days I can use. I used one already), I have decided to just continue training and running and see what happens. before my cold kicked in, I was on a good clip and running more than usual. So to that I say, I will continue to run.

Books I am reading:
Butcher's Crossing: John Williams (really enjoyed his book "Stoner," a "Academic" novel. I want to say this guy only wrote three or four novels. His book on one of the Ceasars earned him a pulitzer)

2666- Roberto Bolano (this book is seriously hyped right now, which made me not want to read it, but whatever, I missed out on the Sopranos and waited three years to see arrested development just because i was being contrary (though really I am proud of saying i have never seen sopranos, and also used this logic to never read harry pottter so there you go)).

Jorge Borges- Collections (I am enjoying this tons. Only reading here and there. The stores are short enough where you can pick up one and read it, then be done with it. Plan on reading all of this at some point.